Update

well it looks like i'll have an angiogram or whatever it's called on monday. sou nds like fun, not lol

I can't sleep, I have a haedache from hell from all the nitro. I have to find someone to take care of the kiddies while i'm here, any takers?

hello

Hello,
I hope that everyone is doing well. I'm in the hospital right now for heart trouble. Second time in 3 months, hopefully, they can figure out what is going on. Regions has this new internet tv thing which is really cool, too bad they didn't have it on mom's floor. We made cookies today, keeping the tradition alive, today mom would have been 62, I know that she was there with us today making those cookies and laughing at us trying to make everything.

I will update more when i can. I'mgonna go now, merry xmas everyone

tis the season

Gotta love the snow :)

I've finished my partial program. I've learned a ton of skills to help me cope with the depression and life in general. I'm going to stay in a day treatment for probably 1 to 3 months, it's only 3 hours a day. I'm looking for a job, hopefully I'll get something soon or I'll be out in the cold.

I hope that everyone has a happy holiday season.

Happy Turkey Day

Hello,

I'm at my sisters for turkey day, Julie did something really funny. Instead of punching a hole in the bag to get the juice out, she decided, well, not sure what she decided but the turkey fell and the juice went all over. Aunt Kathy, Michelle and I were laughing so hard and Julie was trying not to laugh. It was hilarious!!

Anyway, I'm doing pretty good, just got over a kidney infection. Those really suck.

The groups I go to are doing a ton of good for me. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there that suffers from depression. The people are great, the therapists are great. You get close to every one because you're with them 8 hours a day talking about intense stuff. I've made a couple of friends that I will talk to outside of the group.

I hope every one is having a good day.

Will update when I can.

Lot's of love
Dawn

Hello

I've been with out the internet for a couple of weeks, that's why I haven't been posting.

I'm doing okay, I'm taking steps to help myself get over my depression, I've admitted myself to a partial hospitalization program, yesterday was my first day, it was really hard and it's going to be really, emotionally exhausting but in the end it will help, it's j ust going to take a while, once my depression has reached a managable level, I can then go back to the grief center and work on my grieving. I know you're all probably thinking, isn't depression part of grief? It is, yes, but my depression is severe and with me having bipolar it only intensifies the depression. But at least I'm willing to do it, I finally figured out that I care about my self, if I didn't I wouldn't be doing this.

Thanks for caring, I appreciate it, I really feel alone in all of this.

The holidays

I'm dreading them, we talked about them at group today and I broke down, I talked about our christmas's and how mom always made all the treats, how we had cookie making day every year, who's going to make the treats? Who is going to make me feel special by doing little things that make me feel special. Mom always did that. If it was just a candybar that I liked, she'd give me it, or we'd be out xmas shopping and I'd be looking at something, she'd say, you like it? I'd say yeah it's cute, she's say okay early bday present or I'll give it to you for xmas early, she always gone out of her way to show me that I was special, that I was somebody, we had a really tight relationship. I keep on thinking about last year on turkey day we had a blast at the farm, mom had so much fun, every time I'd look at her she was either smiling or laughing or making an odd face like she always has done. I'm attaching a video that I shot from turkey day last year, you'll see in the beginning, she's just bobbing her head lol that totally makes me laugh!!!

4 Months

Well, it's been four months already. The next few months are going to be pretty hard with the holidays and birthdays coming up. As far as me, I'm doing okay, doing much better than I was two months ago, the group therapy really helps a lot. The Center for Grief, Loss and Transition is a great place, I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a loved one or who is in the transition of loosing a loved one, I wish that I had known about this place earlier, I would have been going since the day mom was diagnosed. I feel really good about how I'm dealing with my grief and have been reassured by my therapist that I'm coming along quite well. I'm still missing mom which I will until I meet her again in heaven. Til then, I'll do all I can in this life to make her proud of me in the next.

Love you mom.

No Title

The group meeting went well. There were 2 of us who focus'd on the death rather than the living of the person. I will focus on her life when I can get the images of her death out of my mind. I still see her laying on the ground when it was my turn to take care of her, she fell off she bed on my watch. I remember thinking I over dosed her, being her primary care taker when it came to medication, it's natural to think that and it's harder for the care takers to deal with the death because you want to keep on taking care of the sick one, even if they are uncomfrotable, it's not easy letting go.

Memories

Last week at group we were given a handout to bring back to the next group. the hand out is about memories

The thing I miss the most is......her smile, talking to her and her voice
My happiest Memory is..... can't think of one
My saddest memory is.... when I had to stop the feeding tube, when she fell off the bed during my watch, when she soiled herself and I actually saw how thin she really was
The thing I don't miss is.....her suffering
The most Irritating memory is....Jerry
My sweetest memory is.....when she told me that Jerry didn't deserve the farm.
My last memory is....of her last 6 days of dying
My funniest memory is.....when we were all in her room and the lady next store asked us to be quiet, mom was prim and proper and apologized but when the lady left, she stuck her tounge out at her
My most comforting memory is.....when mom hugged me the day I had to put captain to sleep
What she meant to me............she meant the world to me, she was my mother, father and best friend

I'll let you know how group went later tonight.

Finally

I finally got approved for medical assistance and cash assistance. Didn't take too long, I'm still waiting on the SSI to be approved, shouldn't be too much longer.

Things are going okay, had a very intense group therapy session on Monday. One lady told us about the last 6 hours of her Dad's life, it was incredibley painfull. He was coughing up blood for 4 hours straight. I'm so glad that mom didn't have a violent death like that. I felt really sorry for her, she's only about 24 years old.

My Heart

In my parent loss group tonight, we had to draw a picture of what our heart looks like right now, I thought this was a little ironic since I was just in the hospital for heart problems.

Anyway, this picture is what I drew @ group. The Anger side, which shows half, has to do with Jerry, not with my grief at all, which saddens me because I do not want him to rent any space in my heart.

Lost: My heart feels lost because I'm not sure who I am with out my mother, I feel lost from my friends and family.

Bitter: My heart is with Jerry for not honoring my mothers wish's, this is also not part of my grief, he is renting space again in my heart.

Hurt: My haeart is heart because Jerry hasn't let us have any of mom's stuff, once again, Jerry renting space.

Sad: My heart is sad because my mom is gone and I feel like I have nobody to lean on with the exception of my group and my therapist, I'm sad because all my friends have gone away and our family seems to have broken apart.

Invisible: My heart is invisble because I feel invisible.

Lonely: My heart is incredibley lonely. I miss my mother, there is a huge void in my heart that will never be full again.

Basically, Jerry is getting in the way of my grief for my mother, I will no longer let him rent space in my heart because for one, he doesn't care about us kids or grandkids, so I'm renting that space out to myself, I'm going to try my hardest to get the anger out, that's what is most concerning for me. I can deal with the other stuff, the anger is the one that scares me.

I found out today that Jerry dropped off one single box at my Uncle Bob's for us kids and grandkids that had pictures of family in it. He then called my uncle bob and said, that's all the kids are going to get from me. Nice huh? Now you see why my heart feels like it does?

Rich's Birthday 40th

Rich and Shawn went to Brainard with some friends this weekend to celebrate his bday.

Visiting Grandma yak yak

Hello, there are a few people going to visit grandma on Saturday, they'll also go visit mom's 2 lil grave sites, hopefully, the head stone is there.

Our lil michellee is having a baby of her own

we found out it's going to be a boy, she still looks like a little kid, it will be weird to see her as a mother but I am sooooooooooo happy for her.

Mom and Michelleeee

Making her famous gravy :) passing on the tradition to Michelleeeeee

Rich cutting the turkey

He's always cut the turkey and/or ham for all of our get togethers. This was turkey day 06

Nikki watching mom

Mom was trying to make gramma yak yak laugh and it worked.

Video of mom @ turkey day 2006

This is a very short video that I took on turkey day 06, mom really wanted to have turkey day at the farm, she loved it, she even brought some of her xmas stuff out.

3 Months

I found myself on the bus last night crying, not wheeping out loud, just tears flowing down, knowing that mom died 3 months ago yesterday. When I got to my destination, I still had the memory book that I made in my Volleyball bag, I took it out and looked at it and cried. During this time all I could think about was how mom was the month of her life. I sat on the bleachers waiting for our volleyball match to begin, I was in a daze, thinking about nothing, just staring off into nothing, feeling nothing. The match began and all I could think about was mom, the first night she was home from the hospital, I got a crash course in hospice care, she was okay that first day. I was focused on that day for a few moments then all the sudden the game was over. WE had to wait another hour for our next game to begin.

I brought out the memory book and showed one of the parents, it turns out her mother and sister both died of breast cancer. She said mom looked beautiful, I cried, I told her all about her, how she lived her life, she said her mom was the same way when she was diagnosed, took it well and didn't let it get her down. Every page that turned brought me back to each photo that was taken, pictures at xmas and turkey day, pictures just taking just because. I was really sad and didn't do the best job coaching, although, the kids thanked me for coaching, which was nice, they are really good kids.

On the way home, one of the parents gave me a ride to down town mpls so I could catch a bus to downtown st paul, then to my house. My thoughts were again of mom, I really started crying this time, remembering the arguing that Jerry did with her while she was in the hospital and when she was at Julies. He would always argue with him. One day, she just said, if you're going to mope around and argue with me just leave, he did and mom said " F Him" she said that quite often during the past year and a half. Sure mom loved him but she was beginning to realize that she had been taken advantage of. Rich, Julie and I had a talk with Jerry at the hospital about how he was treating our mother. I told him that 5 percent of him is a nice and caring man, however, the 95 percent was an asshole, I told him he better act like that 5 percent while our mother is still alive and if he wants to continue to be part of our family he should live that the rest of his life. I told mom what was said and she was happy that we did it, I always stood up for my mother when it came to Jerry, which is why he dislikes me so much. The second time she was at the hospital she thanked me for talking to jerry and said he'd been much better. Thinking of all that really got me angry, mom deserved to be put on a pedistal. She shouldn't have had to pay for everything, sure jerry brought money in but only 700 a month. My mom paid for the mortgage and just about everything else, she wasn't even living there. All these thoughts just going through my head, then all the sudden, I see my mom on the floor, the night I was to watch her I fell asleep and woke up to her fallen off of the bed, I was beside myself, couldn't believe I fell asleep, then I remembered that earlier that night I thought I over dosed her and cried so hard, thought I'd cause her death by giving her too much medication. I had a lot of things going through my head last night and right now even. She was such a wonderful person and such a great mother. nothing can replace her, I wish she was back and I hope that everyone who reads this tells their loved ones how they feel and that they have a will and get the beneficiaries done the way you want them done before you die. No matter what you think will happen when you die, it changes everyone. I thought about Richie not getting the coocoo clock, Jerry won't let him have it and that's one thing my mom wanted him to have, I think that it's my fault because of the relationship jerry and I have. I hope my brother and sister don't blame me for Jerry's actions after she died. His actions were his, purely selfish, making sure he had the money, I over heard him on the phone with Social security saying I NEED that money, not SHE needs that money. Thinking of himself even before she died. I'm sorry if Jerry's family is reading this but it's the truth and this is my blog and this is what I want to write. Jerry will get what's coming to him, I hear that he has a few things for us but he won't let us up to the farm, he's bringing them to uncle bobs oh and by the way, Jerry tells people that he was in the room when mom died, WRONG uncle bob was and jerry left at 6 and she died at 9:12. He was never there for long, he'd come in the morning and leave early afternoon, rarely went in the room, when he would, he'd go to kiss her and my mom would move away. Mom had had it, she told me in the hospital that Jerry didn't deserve that farm. Damn't he doesn't.

Sorry to go ranting about that but those were my thoughts on the busrides home.

Tough Weekend

was in the hospital from Friday til Sunday, had some heart issues. Im' on new meds now that should help with the chest pains. It was really weird cuz that's the hospital mom was at and I had a lot of bad memories and actually was crying at one point when the nurse came in, I just told her about mom and she understood.

tomorrow is 3 long months, can't believe it, still can't believe she's not here. I really missed her not being with me while I was at the hospital, julie and dad visited, julie brought me a chocolate malt, mom would always do that if I was in the hospital, it helped a little. I just want her back......

One of my favorite pictures, Mom and Marissa.

Marissa , Nate and I

An Awesome picture of Julie and Nate

Dawn and Marissa

Nate and I with his new gopher stuff from me :)

Nate doing his best Jerry impression

Pictures

Nate and grandma sandy

Marissa and Grandma Sandy

Marissa being her crazy ol' self

Mom and Marissa at Nates bday a few years ago.

you tube baby laughs

these are so cute!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_mBLWpdwnI&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vfSk-6tIvo&mode=related&search=


so cute

Last family picture together

Mom's retirement party in Feb 07. It's really too bad that she didn't get to enjoy her retirement for long. She never really had a healthy day at the farm. The retirement party was great though. It was nice to hear stuff about mom that we already knew, hearing it from others made it even better.

She as always was amazed by all the people who cared about her.

Tips for healing after tragedy

I received this in my email via beliefnet.

http://www.beliefnet.com/gallery/tipsforhealingaftertragedy.html?pgIndex=0

Parent Loss Group

Hello, I went to my group today and cried like a baby. I got to show pictures of mom and of captain to the group, that group is so nice to go to, even if I cry, it shows me that the feelings I'm having are real and that there are others out there who are going through the same thing. Iwould suggest this type of group to anyone who has lost their parent, it's really a good thing.

12 Weeks

It's been 12 weeks today since mom died. I still miss her as much as I did the day she died. It's still hard to think of life with out mom, even though I've done it for the past 12 months, I think her strength is inside of me because I never though I would even make it this far.

This was taken a few years ago at one of Nate's games. She always wanted to be "fat" again. She hated being thin.

Lost my job

Hello, I lost my job @ the courage center because of my back injury. I couldn't do it, I had to sit down every 10 minutes to let my back rest and it was in the best interest of both parties to just leave. My back is very very sore, I've had back surgery in the past and it hurts exactly where that surgery was, I'm afraid I might have cracked the fusion or something, anyway, I'm okay with losing the job, not much I can do about it. Like Mom would say, "what are ya gonna do?"

Life goes on...................

Famous Nigg's from SD

http://www.state.sd.us/military/VetAffairs/sdwwiimemorial/SubPages/profiles/Display.asp?P=1396

please check out this link, it talks about my great uncle and actually the Nigg family in world war II. Edward was my great uncle. I"ve actually visited his grave site whenever I go to see my grandpa and now my Mom.

To my mom

Mom,

I miss your dearly but know that you are in a better place up there with grandpa on your own farm enjoying your geese and any other animal you have up there. AS you know I've had some bad luck since you've past, as you said this is a bad year for me, for all of us. I loved the talks that we had during the past year and a half, I loved it when you lived with me, I got to know you even more. Even though I never cleaned the bathroom, you didn't mind :) well you did, but you didn't tell me. I started the job at the Courage center, since my accident I haven't been able to work a full day, my back, head and neck are hurting like hell, I feel bad complaining knowing that you rarely complained during your illness.

I think of you every day and I've been told by many that they think of you morning noon and night. You'll never be forgotten, your tenderness, stoecness, humor and personality and everything else about you will never be forgotten. I promise to tell your new great grand son everything about you, how beautiful you were, how funny you were, how gentle and nice you were, how much you really wanted to be alive to see your first grandkid, we will tell everyone that is born in our family after your death how wonderful you were. I love you and miss you so much, I'm doing okay though, I'm going through the grief process via therapy, although I haven't gone for a couple of weeks and I can sure tell, I'm starting to get depressed again, you know how my moods are so I'm sure you're not suprised. I'll be okay though. Jerry is suppose to bring some of your stuff to uncle bob's so we can go over it. He won't let us up to the farm and he won't let Richie have your coocoo clock that you wanted him to have. How terrible is that? I know that you are very upset about all of this, I hope that you're able to enjoy your eternal life regardless of what's happening down here.

Love you
your baby
Dawn

Franklyn and Morgan

Even though Captain and morgan were liter mates, Franklyn and Morgan are like one, they are very close with each other, I guess captain had me and franklyn and morgan have each other. I got Franklyn from the humane society and captain and morgan were rescued from a burning building, the mother died while laying over her liter to protect them ::

Captain RIP

Captain died of liver Cancer 6-7-2007. He started getting sick again when mom got sick, I tried to help him, I force fed him, gave him fluids into his skin, gave him medication, he did get better for a few weeks but like I said, as soon as mom went into the hospital for the second time, he got really bad and I had to put him to sleep. Mom really wanted to be there with me but she was in the hospital, Julie did go with me and I'm so thankfull for that, I didn't want to do it on my own. He was my baby, he was like a puppy dog, he'd follow me every where, when I would be on the computer he would go from one arm to the nex tapping on my arm until I let him on my lap, before we went to sleep he would give me eskimo kiss's, I really miss him.

Tucker

Tucker, my baby dog. He was rescued from a puppy mill, where the asshole that ran it killed the puppies by burring them alive or shooting them.

Mom's nickname for tucker is dufas :)

Nikki

My oldest doggy pet child. Nikki has been through a lot, she was paralized a few years ago, I was told to put her to sleep but as you can tell, she's in tip top shape, just her back legs are weak.

She was going for a stick in the picture. Whenever she hears me sniffle or sees me cry she comes up to me and gives me a doggy hug and a lick. She's a sweetheart

Stared my volleyball coaching job

It was pretty hard because I haven't seen any of the kids or parents since mom died. Some of them didn't know so they asked how she was doing, I of course cried and said she died. It was really hard but was also good, because I love to talk about mom in a positive way, I told them all about her, her courage, strength, stoecness ( word??? ) anyway, I'm looking forward to it, just having a hard time getting around with no car.

Car Accident

Well, I got into a car accident on Saturday, total'd my minivan. I was also moving that day too, Richie was awesome and helped me move a lot, Herschel let me use his truck and Michelle helped as well.

Not sure what I'm going to do about my car situation but I'm sure I'll figure something out.

God is really tesing me.

Mom's dog Lucy

Isn't she cute? Mom got her the weekend of Mothers day. She was by mom's side through her last month of living, when we brought her back to Julies house Lucy would always be in her room or laying on her bed. Some times she actually got on my moms nerves :) she was invading her bubble :)

Lucy is now living with Julie, she is the new family pet :)

I got another Job

YAY!!! I'll be working at the courage center and coaching volleyball @ Benilde St. Margaret's. I'm also moving this weekend, downsizing big time because I lost my job while taking care of mom. But it was worth, I wouldn't change it for nothing!!

As far as my grief goes, I'm doing a lot better than I was before, the one on one therapy has done wonders for me and the group therapy has helped as well. I'm told I'm doing it the healthy way by acknowledging the grief and not barrying it inside until you explode. So I'm proud of that.

If anyone reads this, I hope all of you have a good day.

MOm showing us her port on Mothers day '06

Mom always had humor when it came to her cancer, she called her tumor timmy the tumor. She was always up, never down, although I could tell when she was in thought. In the hospital when she would look down at her hands while picking the skin off, I could tell she was thinking and I asked her what she was thinking about, she said "oh just stuff", she tried her hardest to be strong for us, I can only imagine what it must have felt inside for her. Wondering how her kids were going to be, if the grandkids would be okay. Her mind must have been going a mile a minute but she never showed it. She just embraced life and showed us how to live life, not take anything for granted, you just never know when you will take your last breath or when a tragedy will happen. Our family changed the day mom said " I have Pancreatic Cancer" our lives will never go back to the day before, always the day after. But we're going good.

I miss mom dearly

Mom and Kids :) all in purple! on XMAS

For some reason we all get something vikings every year. I gave mom what she's wearing and gave julie what she's wearing and gave rich what he's wearing and julie gave me what I am wearing. We always had so much fun on xmas, xmas was about making each other happy, waiting to see the look on peoples faces as they opened their presents. I always wanted mom to open my present first, she would always say to me "don't go spending a lot of money now" but for her there is never enough money I could have to buy her what she deserves. Xmas is going to be hard this year, every year, I dread the up coming holidays and birthdays. Hopefully we'll get through them okay.

Jerry

Since I know that nobody from Jerry's family is reading this I might as well tell every one what is going on.

Basically, he says we're selfish and that we are not getting a damn thing. He told my sister that we should have taken the stuff she wanted us to take on mothers day because we're not getting it now. On mothers day, Julie and I went to visit mom, she wanted us to take some stuff but we said, nah, we'll get it later. If we took it that would mean she was dying.

If I go to the farm he'll have me arrested, nice huh? We're going to be as nice as we can to him until we get our mothers stuff, then all bets are off, at least for me. I'm going to tell him exactly how it is. He's the one that's being selfish, he has everything, my mom paid for everything in life and now she's paying in death, he is a selfish son of a *B*

Mom had a life insurance policy for the grandkids, which was suppose to be put into my brothers name but I don't think she changed it, she also had one for us too but wasn't able to change it in time either. Basically, she really was in denial and honestly, we did not nor did the doctors think that she would go this quickly, when she was admitted to the hospital in may they said six months, turned out to be less then a month.

Once all this stuff with Jerry is over, mom will be able to enjoy her eternal life, I know she's enjoying it but I don't think she likes whats going on down here with Jerry.

Anyway, that's about it on that.

MIchelle

Michelle is now 5 months pregnant, she felt the baby kick for the first time las week. She is starting to show and looks great!! Can't wait to see my new great niece/nephew.

We're trying to get the quilt stuff from mom's farm from Jerry but he's not really being accomodating. Which really sucks.

New JOb

Wow, I"m pooped out, it was a lot of work but felt good to be out of the house and doing something to earn some money, don't get paid enough but that's always how it goes.

I'm going to be moving into a new place this weekend, it's 600 amonth rent with heat included, I was paying 1000 with everything but water and trash, so this is going to help me out quite a bit. Maybe the dogs will get a treat now.

I've been going to therapy 2 times a week and group therapy once a week, it's working really well, I'm pretty good at knowing what to do when the anger starts and depression, I'm trying hard to notice the signs.

Hope everyone is doing well

2 months

Saturday was 2 months since she past away. I pretty much laid low most of the day then went to Julies to watch a movie. The day went okay, I did have tears, I have tears every day and I'm sure I always will.

Michelle is pregnant, due January 29th but I told her she'll have it on my bday Feb 8. Nathan and Marissa start school soon, Herschel also starts school at St. Paul Tech soon.

Jerry told me that moms head stone should be done with in a month or so, I know when it's done I'll go up there to see it.

New Journey

I have started this site for anyone who is interested in my life as well as my families life after the death of my mom, how we are doing and going on with out her.