The holidays

I'm dreading them, we talked about them at group today and I broke down, I talked about our christmas's and how mom always made all the treats, how we had cookie making day every year, who's going to make the treats? Who is going to make me feel special by doing little things that make me feel special. Mom always did that. If it was just a candybar that I liked, she'd give me it, or we'd be out xmas shopping and I'd be looking at something, she'd say, you like it? I'd say yeah it's cute, she's say okay early bday present or I'll give it to you for xmas early, she always gone out of her way to show me that I was special, that I was somebody, we had a really tight relationship. I keep on thinking about last year on turkey day we had a blast at the farm, mom had so much fun, every time I'd look at her she was either smiling or laughing or making an odd face like she always has done. I'm attaching a video that I shot from turkey day last year, you'll see in the beginning, she's just bobbing her head lol that totally makes me laugh!!!

4 Months

Well, it's been four months already. The next few months are going to be pretty hard with the holidays and birthdays coming up. As far as me, I'm doing okay, doing much better than I was two months ago, the group therapy really helps a lot. The Center for Grief, Loss and Transition is a great place, I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a loved one or who is in the transition of loosing a loved one, I wish that I had known about this place earlier, I would have been going since the day mom was diagnosed. I feel really good about how I'm dealing with my grief and have been reassured by my therapist that I'm coming along quite well. I'm still missing mom which I will until I meet her again in heaven. Til then, I'll do all I can in this life to make her proud of me in the next.

Love you mom.

No Title

The group meeting went well. There were 2 of us who focus'd on the death rather than the living of the person. I will focus on her life when I can get the images of her death out of my mind. I still see her laying on the ground when it was my turn to take care of her, she fell off she bed on my watch. I remember thinking I over dosed her, being her primary care taker when it came to medication, it's natural to think that and it's harder for the care takers to deal with the death because you want to keep on taking care of the sick one, even if they are uncomfrotable, it's not easy letting go.

Memories

Last week at group we were given a handout to bring back to the next group. the hand out is about memories

The thing I miss the most is......her smile, talking to her and her voice
My happiest Memory is..... can't think of one
My saddest memory is.... when I had to stop the feeding tube, when she fell off the bed during my watch, when she soiled herself and I actually saw how thin she really was
The thing I don't miss is.....her suffering
The most Irritating memory is....Jerry
My sweetest memory is.....when she told me that Jerry didn't deserve the farm.
My last memory is....of her last 6 days of dying
My funniest memory is.....when we were all in her room and the lady next store asked us to be quiet, mom was prim and proper and apologized but when the lady left, she stuck her tounge out at her
My most comforting memory is.....when mom hugged me the day I had to put captain to sleep
What she meant to me............she meant the world to me, she was my mother, father and best friend

I'll let you know how group went later tonight.

Finally

I finally got approved for medical assistance and cash assistance. Didn't take too long, I'm still waiting on the SSI to be approved, shouldn't be too much longer.

Things are going okay, had a very intense group therapy session on Monday. One lady told us about the last 6 hours of her Dad's life, it was incredibley painfull. He was coughing up blood for 4 hours straight. I'm so glad that mom didn't have a violent death like that. I felt really sorry for her, she's only about 24 years old.