I found myself on the bus last night crying, not wheeping out loud, just tears flowing down, knowing that mom died 3 months ago yesterday. When I got to my destination, I still had the memory book that I made in my Volleyball bag, I took it out and looked at it and cried. During this time all I could think about was how mom was the month of her life. I sat on the bleachers waiting for our volleyball match to begin, I was in a daze, thinking about nothing, just staring off into nothing, feeling nothing. The match began and all I could think about was mom, the first night she was home from the hospital, I got a crash course in hospice care, she was okay that first day. I was focused on that day for a few moments then all the sudden the game was over. WE had to wait another hour for our next game to begin.
I brought out the memory book and showed one of the parents, it turns out her mother and sister both died of breast cancer. She said mom looked beautiful, I cried, I told her all about her, how she lived her life, she said her mom was the same way when she was diagnosed, took it well and didn't let it get her down. Every page that turned brought me back to each photo that was taken, pictures at xmas and turkey day, pictures just taking just because. I was really sad and didn't do the best job coaching, although, the kids thanked me for coaching, which was nice, they are really good kids.
On the way home, one of the parents gave me a ride to down town mpls so I could catch a bus to downtown st paul, then to my house. My thoughts were again of mom, I really started crying this time, remembering the arguing that Jerry did with her while she was in the hospital and when she was at Julies. He would always argue with him. One day, she just said, if you're going to mope around and argue with me just leave, he did and mom said " F Him" she said that quite often during the past year and a half. Sure mom loved him but she was beginning to realize that she had been taken advantage of. Rich, Julie and I had a talk with Jerry at the hospital about how he was treating our mother. I told him that 5 percent of him is a nice and caring man, however, the 95 percent was an asshole, I told him he better act like that 5 percent while our mother is still alive and if he wants to continue to be part of our family he should live that the rest of his life. I told mom what was said and she was happy that we did it, I always stood up for my mother when it came to Jerry, which is why he dislikes me so much. The second time she was at the hospital she thanked me for talking to jerry and said he'd been much better. Thinking of all that really got me angry, mom deserved to be put on a pedistal. She shouldn't have had to pay for everything, sure jerry brought money in but only 700 a month. My mom paid for the mortgage and just about everything else, she wasn't even living there. All these thoughts just going through my head, then all the sudden, I see my mom on the floor, the night I was to watch her I fell asleep and woke up to her fallen off of the bed, I was beside myself, couldn't believe I fell asleep, then I remembered that earlier that night I thought I over dosed her and cried so hard, thought I'd cause her death by giving her too much medication. I had a lot of things going through my head last night and right now even. She was such a wonderful person and such a great mother. nothing can replace her, I wish she was back and I hope that everyone who reads this tells their loved ones how they feel and that they have a will and get the beneficiaries done the way you want them done before you die. No matter what you think will happen when you die, it changes everyone. I thought about Richie not getting the coocoo clock, Jerry won't let him have it and that's one thing my mom wanted him to have, I think that it's my fault because of the relationship jerry and I have. I hope my brother and sister don't blame me for Jerry's actions after she died. His actions were his, purely selfish, making sure he had the money, I over heard him on the phone with Social security saying I NEED that money, not SHE needs that money. Thinking of himself even before she died. I'm sorry if Jerry's family is reading this but it's the truth and this is my blog and this is what I want to write. Jerry will get what's coming to him, I hear that he has a few things for us but he won't let us up to the farm, he's bringing them to uncle bobs oh and by the way, Jerry tells people that he was in the room when mom died, WRONG uncle bob was and jerry left at 6 and she died at 9:12. He was never there for long, he'd come in the morning and leave early afternoon, rarely went in the room, when he would, he'd go to kiss her and my mom would move away. Mom had had it, she told me in the hospital that Jerry didn't deserve that farm. Damn't he doesn't.
Sorry to go ranting about that but those were my thoughts on the busrides home.
