I found myself on the bus last night crying, not wheeping out loud, just tears flowing down, knowing that mom died 3 months ago yesterday. When I got to my destination, I still had the memory book that I made in my Volleyball bag, I took it out and looked at it and cried. During this time all I could think about was how mom was the month of her life. I sat on the bleachers waiting for our volleyball match to begin, I was in a daze, thinking about nothing, just staring off into nothing, feeling nothing. The match began and all I could think about was mom, the first night she was home from the hospital, I got a crash course in hospice care, she was okay that first day. I was focused on that day for a few moments then all the sudden the game was over. WE had to wait another hour for our next game to begin.
I brought out the memory book and showed one of the parents, it turns out her mother and sister both died of breast cancer. She said mom looked beautiful, I cried, I told her all about her, how she lived her life, she said her mom was the same way when she was diagnosed, took it well and didn't let it get her down. Every page that turned brought me back to each photo that was taken, pictures at xmas and turkey day, pictures just taking just because. I was really sad and didn't do the best job coaching, although, the kids thanked me for coaching, which was nice, they are really good kids.
On the way home, one of the parents gave me a ride to down town mpls so I could catch a bus to downtown st paul, then to my house. My thoughts were again of mom, I really started crying this time, remembering the arguing that Jerry did with her while she was in the hospital and when she was at Julies. He would always argue with him. One day, she just said, if you're going to mope around and argue with me just leave, he did and mom said " F Him" she said that quite often during the past year and a half. Sure mom loved him but she was beginning to realize that she had been taken advantage of. Rich, Julie and I had a talk with Jerry at the hospital about how he was treating our mother. I told him that 5 percent of him is a nice and caring man, however, the 95 percent was an asshole, I told him he better act like that 5 percent while our mother is still alive and if he wants to continue to be part of our family he should live that the rest of his life. I told mom what was said and she was happy that we did it, I always stood up for my mother when it came to Jerry, which is why he dislikes me so much. The second time she was at the hospital she thanked me for talking to jerry and said he'd been much better. Thinking of all that really got me angry, mom deserved to be put on a pedistal. She shouldn't have had to pay for everything, sure jerry brought money in but only 700 a month. My mom paid for the mortgage and just about everything else, she wasn't even living there. All these thoughts just going through my head, then all the sudden, I see my mom on the floor, the night I was to watch her I fell asleep and woke up to her fallen off of the bed, I was beside myself, couldn't believe I fell asleep, then I remembered that earlier that night I thought I over dosed her and cried so hard, thought I'd cause her death by giving her too much medication. I had a lot of things going through my head last night and right now even. She was such a wonderful person and such a great mother. nothing can replace her, I wish she was back and I hope that everyone who reads this tells their loved ones how they feel and that they have a will and get the beneficiaries done the way you want them done before you die. No matter what you think will happen when you die, it changes everyone. I thought about Richie not getting the coocoo clock, Jerry won't let him have it and that's one thing my mom wanted him to have, I think that it's my fault because of the relationship jerry and I have. I hope my brother and sister don't blame me for Jerry's actions after she died. His actions were his, purely selfish, making sure he had the money, I over heard him on the phone with Social security saying I NEED that money, not SHE needs that money. Thinking of himself even before she died. I'm sorry if Jerry's family is reading this but it's the truth and this is my blog and this is what I want to write. Jerry will get what's coming to him, I hear that he has a few things for us but he won't let us up to the farm, he's bringing them to uncle bobs oh and by the way, Jerry tells people that he was in the room when mom died, WRONG uncle bob was and jerry left at 6 and she died at 9:12. He was never there for long, he'd come in the morning and leave early afternoon, rarely went in the room, when he would, he'd go to kiss her and my mom would move away. Mom had had it, she told me in the hospital that Jerry didn't deserve that farm. Damn't he doesn't.
Sorry to go ranting about that but those were my thoughts on the busrides home.
I brought out the memory book and showed one of the parents, it turns out her mother and sister both died of breast cancer. She said mom looked beautiful, I cried, I told her all about her, how she lived her life, she said her mom was the same way when she was diagnosed, took it well and didn't let it get her down. Every page that turned brought me back to each photo that was taken, pictures at xmas and turkey day, pictures just taking just because. I was really sad and didn't do the best job coaching, although, the kids thanked me for coaching, which was nice, they are really good kids.
On the way home, one of the parents gave me a ride to down town mpls so I could catch a bus to downtown st paul, then to my house. My thoughts were again of mom, I really started crying this time, remembering the arguing that Jerry did with her while she was in the hospital and when she was at Julies. He would always argue with him. One day, she just said, if you're going to mope around and argue with me just leave, he did and mom said " F Him" she said that quite often during the past year and a half. Sure mom loved him but she was beginning to realize that she had been taken advantage of. Rich, Julie and I had a talk with Jerry at the hospital about how he was treating our mother. I told him that 5 percent of him is a nice and caring man, however, the 95 percent was an asshole, I told him he better act like that 5 percent while our mother is still alive and if he wants to continue to be part of our family he should live that the rest of his life. I told mom what was said and she was happy that we did it, I always stood up for my mother when it came to Jerry, which is why he dislikes me so much. The second time she was at the hospital she thanked me for talking to jerry and said he'd been much better. Thinking of all that really got me angry, mom deserved to be put on a pedistal. She shouldn't have had to pay for everything, sure jerry brought money in but only 700 a month. My mom paid for the mortgage and just about everything else, she wasn't even living there. All these thoughts just going through my head, then all the sudden, I see my mom on the floor, the night I was to watch her I fell asleep and woke up to her fallen off of the bed, I was beside myself, couldn't believe I fell asleep, then I remembered that earlier that night I thought I over dosed her and cried so hard, thought I'd cause her death by giving her too much medication. I had a lot of things going through my head last night and right now even. She was such a wonderful person and such a great mother. nothing can replace her, I wish she was back and I hope that everyone who reads this tells their loved ones how they feel and that they have a will and get the beneficiaries done the way you want them done before you die. No matter what you think will happen when you die, it changes everyone. I thought about Richie not getting the coocoo clock, Jerry won't let him have it and that's one thing my mom wanted him to have, I think that it's my fault because of the relationship jerry and I have. I hope my brother and sister don't blame me for Jerry's actions after she died. His actions were his, purely selfish, making sure he had the money, I over heard him on the phone with Social security saying I NEED that money, not SHE needs that money. Thinking of himself even before she died. I'm sorry if Jerry's family is reading this but it's the truth and this is my blog and this is what I want to write. Jerry will get what's coming to him, I hear that he has a few things for us but he won't let us up to the farm, he's bringing them to uncle bobs oh and by the way, Jerry tells people that he was in the room when mom died, WRONG uncle bob was and jerry left at 6 and she died at 9:12. He was never there for long, he'd come in the morning and leave early afternoon, rarely went in the room, when he would, he'd go to kiss her and my mom would move away. Mom had had it, she told me in the hospital that Jerry didn't deserve that farm. Damn't he doesn't.
Sorry to go ranting about that but those were my thoughts on the busrides home.
6 comments:
Dawn,
Are you going to live your life in the past or get on with the present and the future? If Mom taught you how to be good, how to be strong, how to be positive, you need to take her lessons and get on with your life. She isn't here anymore and she's not coming back so what do you plan to do with your life? I'm sure your counseling will tell you to grieve in the manner you need to, but they must be telling you to start living in the now and future, not the past.
I'm hoping you snap out of this depression and start doing some positive things with your life. If Mom is really watching I'm sure she's hoping for that also! Nobody can do this for you Dawn, it's only you and you alone.
Whoever wrote this knows nothing about me and how my therapy is going. If you did know me, you'd know that I'm doing very well, despite the trials and tribulations life has thrown at me since mom died. So maybe ask me to see how I'm doing rather than assume. I'm actually not depressed, it's called grief and it's totally normal, putting down my thoughts is theraputic.
My therapist is helping me and I have made strides. Don't judge the cover by what's inside the book.
pardon me I meant don't judge the book by it's cover.
Just another thought, grieving is different for everyone. To tell someone that they should get on with their life, your mom is gone, blah blah blah, is one of the meanest things anyone can say to someone. I was with mom from the day she was diagnosed, went to all of her appts, took care of her after surgery, talked to her about dying and her cancer. I have the right to grieve the way I want to, at least I am dealing with it and not boggling it up inside waiting for it to explode. My mom was my mother, father and best friend, you don't get over that in a day or a month.
Nobody knows how I'm doing because nobody cares enough to ask the question. They are afraid of the answer because they don't want to hear I'm doing bad, but I'm doing good. When I was in the hospital after suffering a minor heart attack the only ones who visited me were Julie and Dad. Dad was the last person I would expect to be there but he was. Julie helped with the dogs.
I'm just trying to say that I am doing better and whoever wrote this, ( i'm pretty sure who did ) ask me how I'm doing, you may just get the answer you never expected.
Dawn,
You already told me how you are doing, so why ask? No job, no car, no rides to coach (or you wouldn't be taking the bus), and in the hospital with a heart problem. I know you have to be low on cash so where is the rent money going to come from? I don't see how anyone could call this "doing good". Nobody is telling you how, when and where to grieve but all this mental anguish has to be depressing to you. I'm sure any mental health provider would say the same thing. In the past you have said that you were very dependent on your mom. The fact is.... all the things she did for you, you must now do for yourself. This has nothing to do with your grieving, this has to do with your living. It's sink or swim time. I know it's hard hearing these things but this is reality. Life isn't fair, it never has been and it's never going to be. Life is what YOU make it, not your sister, not your brother, not anybody but you.
How can you say this is not about my grief? You don't even know what is going on in my life right now. Julie is the only one that does. This is part of my grief, the other things that have happened in my life are just more coals on the fire, but you know what? like Mom always said, what are you gonna do? that's my attitude, I'm sorry that I'm not freaking out and going crazy like people think I am. I'm doing just fine dealing with what has been thrown at me. Yes mom helped me out a lot, I won't deny that, she babied me. I know why she did it and that's between her and I. We talked about it and all was forgiven. Nobody knows what my relationship was with my mother but her and I, she helped me because she wanted to because she could, I'm not trying to say that I'm special, I'm not I'm just me and mom chose to help me during certain times of my life. I'm eternally greatfull for what she has done for me and I've told her that a million times.
It is what it is and that's my story and I'm sticken to it.
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