In my parent loss group tonight, we had to draw a picture of what our heart looks like right now, I thought this was a little ironic since I was just in the hospital for heart problems.
Anyway, this picture is what I drew @ group. The Anger side, which shows half, has to do with Jerry, not with my grief at all, which saddens me because I do not want him to rent any space in my heart.
Lost: My heart feels lost because I'm not sure who I am with out my mother, I feel lost from my friends and family.
Bitter: My heart is with Jerry for not honoring my mothers wish's, this is also not part of my grief, he is renting space again in my heart.
Hurt: My haeart is heart because Jerry hasn't let us have any of mom's stuff, once again, Jerry renting space.
Sad: My heart is sad because my mom is gone and I feel like I have nobody to lean on with the exception of my group and my therapist, I'm sad because all my friends have gone away and our family seems to have broken apart.
Invisible: My heart is invisble because I feel invisible.
Lonely: My heart is incredibley lonely. I miss my mother, there is a huge void in my heart that will never be full again.
Basically, Jerry is getting in the way of my grief for my mother, I will no longer let him rent space in my heart because for one, he doesn't care about us kids or grandkids, so I'm renting that space out to myself, I'm going to try my hardest to get the anger out, that's what is most concerning for me. I can deal with the other stuff, the anger is the one that scares me.
I found out today that Jerry dropped off one single box at my Uncle Bob's for us kids and grandkids that had pictures of family in it. He then called my uncle bob and said, that's all the kids are going to get from me. Nice huh? Now you see why my heart feels like it does?
15 comments:
the think that makes me sad is there is no love or hope in hyour heart. Hopfully some of the area rented by Jerky can be replaced by some hope and love. the thing that you probaly already know if that in too feel love you need to love yourself first.
I'm sorry to see that heart of yours Dawn... everything negative and nothing positive. I don't know if you are aware of repetitive thought process but the more you think of something it becomes kind of obsessive and your mind can't break the cycle unless it has some outside help. Have you thought of getting some professional mental health help? I really recommend it and think it would benefit you so much. Your heart only knows what your brain is telling it.
finally someone got his name RIGHT! JERKY!
I am getting professional help, I go to therapy 2 times a week and group therapy, which is where I drew the heart, once a week. I'm doing the healthy thing by acknowlegding my feelings and being in tune with them instead of hiding and not grieving.
hahaha @ Jerky, love it!
I'm glad to hear that you are getting a lot of counseling because it is so important but don't you think you would benefit from a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication if you need it? Counselors and group therapy are not qualified to determine what your mental status is but a psychiatrist can and they can determine what you need in the area of mental health.
I'm on medication. I'm doing quite well with my grief. I see a pyschiatrist. I'm very well intune with myself right now.
Hi Dawn,
I just noticed two little lights way down at the bottom of your heart. I think that these may be the seeds of hope and happiness that are being watered by your tears.
Your name signifies the darkness turning into light. Soon, these two little lights will grow so big they'll push the darkness from your heart. Then, you will then be filled with joy and love.
We do care about you Dawn. We just don't know how to help you right now. Keep holding on and things will get better. I promise you nothing lasts forever...not even the bad stuff. (Even though it feels that way sometimes.)
now i'm curious...
dawn, what do the 2 white dots signify?
nothing, just some dots. It was hard to paint on paint brush with the mouse.
Ahhhh... but sometimes the subconscious speaks volumes without us even knowing it.
Let's not get carried away folks, lol. It's not Halloween yet. I'm sure when Dawn's ready to lighten up she will.
Anonymous said...
Ahhhh... but sometimes the subconscious speaks volumes without us even knowing it.
To the resident blog analyst...sometimes the subconcious opens one's mouth and inserts foot without thinking.
Perhaps if you didnt base all your negative thoughts towards Dawn, she could proceed to heal on her own time.You on the other hand, are in no way qualified to recommend therapy OR medications to someone going through the grief process. When you are able to pinpoint just what day and time one gets over the loss of someone very close to them, then by all means, write a book, and I will purchase it.
wheres dawn
from the group???
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