long time no blog

Hi, been what 5 years.  A lot has happened over  those years, some good, some bad but I'm still ticking.  Still missing my mom everyday, infact I was at Julies today and we were talking how things just aren't the same and that we,me and her won't be the way we were before mom died.  Julie has come a long way with her grief, she talks to me about it, pretty much every time we see each other.

Not sure if anyone follows this, I started a new one that is kind of dark but truthful non the less, it's about living with bipolar.  I'll update this one as well.

Michelle and Herschel are being baptised March 30th, I know Grandpa Nigg is happy and so is mom.  I'm so proud of both of them for doing it.

Maurice is 5 now, a handsome young man with a sparkle in his eyes and a birth mark kiss on his chest from mom.  We talk to him about Grandma Blanche and MaryAnn, he says they play with him in his room.


anyway, I'll post more later

Lucy was hit by a car about a month ago. Julie and Hersch, she broke her pelvis in several places. She's okay but she has a plate there with 9 screws!! Not sure how they did that in that little body but they did. She's doing pretty good and knows her limitations.

Maurice's first bath by himself, we were at The Dakota Magic in ND. We went to visit Grandma Yak Yak (Blanche) and Mom's grave. We had a great time with Grandma Yak Yak, however, she is getting worse. She had a mini stroke, called TIA. Sad to see her going through it. But she enjoyed the visit. Maurice instantly smiled when he saw her. He's such a sweetheart. Oh and Michelle is a wonderful mother.

Marissa in pink @ homecoming.

She's all grown up :(

Maurice @ 6 months :)

Michelle and Maurice

This is such a beautiful picture

Great Auntie Dawn

Here's a pic with me, maurice and lucy ( mom's dog ) isn't it cute?

It's a boy

Baby Maurice Daravicheth Srey was born January 23, 2008 @ 10:2 AM 6.1 ounce and 18 inches long. Mom, Dad and baby are doing fine. It's such a joy to have the new addition to our family. Maurice will have his great grandma as a gardian angel for the rest of his life.

He's the cutest little thing!

I hope everyone has a happy new year!!

God Bless

Happy New Year

I hope that everyone has a safe and happy new year. I hope this year is full of joy and happiness, I know that once Michelle has her baby things will look up for our family, I can hardly wait, a new little addition.

Everyone is doing okay. Uncle Bob picked up Grandma in SD and brought her here for XMAS it was a ton of fun, we went to Uncle Davids for Xmas eve and just had a blast. He has the game Wii, we played bowling and baseball, grandma even tried bowling, it was a hoot.

Guess that's it for now, I'll post again when I get online again.

take care

Update

well it looks like i'll have an angiogram or whatever it's called on monday. sou nds like fun, not lol

I can't sleep, I have a haedache from hell from all the nitro. I have to find someone to take care of the kiddies while i'm here, any takers?

hello

Hello,
I hope that everyone is doing well. I'm in the hospital right now for heart trouble. Second time in 3 months, hopefully, they can figure out what is going on. Regions has this new internet tv thing which is really cool, too bad they didn't have it on mom's floor. We made cookies today, keeping the tradition alive, today mom would have been 62, I know that she was there with us today making those cookies and laughing at us trying to make everything.

I will update more when i can. I'mgonna go now, merry xmas everyone

tis the season

Gotta love the snow :)

I've finished my partial program. I've learned a ton of skills to help me cope with the depression and life in general. I'm going to stay in a day treatment for probably 1 to 3 months, it's only 3 hours a day. I'm looking for a job, hopefully I'll get something soon or I'll be out in the cold.

I hope that everyone has a happy holiday season.

Happy Turkey Day

Hello,

I'm at my sisters for turkey day, Julie did something really funny. Instead of punching a hole in the bag to get the juice out, she decided, well, not sure what she decided but the turkey fell and the juice went all over. Aunt Kathy, Michelle and I were laughing so hard and Julie was trying not to laugh. It was hilarious!!

Anyway, I'm doing pretty good, just got over a kidney infection. Those really suck.

The groups I go to are doing a ton of good for me. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there that suffers from depression. The people are great, the therapists are great. You get close to every one because you're with them 8 hours a day talking about intense stuff. I've made a couple of friends that I will talk to outside of the group.

I hope every one is having a good day.

Will update when I can.

Lot's of love
Dawn

Hello

I've been with out the internet for a couple of weeks, that's why I haven't been posting.

I'm doing okay, I'm taking steps to help myself get over my depression, I've admitted myself to a partial hospitalization program, yesterday was my first day, it was really hard and it's going to be really, emotionally exhausting but in the end it will help, it's j ust going to take a while, once my depression has reached a managable level, I can then go back to the grief center and work on my grieving. I know you're all probably thinking, isn't depression part of grief? It is, yes, but my depression is severe and with me having bipolar it only intensifies the depression. But at least I'm willing to do it, I finally figured out that I care about my self, if I didn't I wouldn't be doing this.

Thanks for caring, I appreciate it, I really feel alone in all of this.

The holidays

I'm dreading them, we talked about them at group today and I broke down, I talked about our christmas's and how mom always made all the treats, how we had cookie making day every year, who's going to make the treats? Who is going to make me feel special by doing little things that make me feel special. Mom always did that. If it was just a candybar that I liked, she'd give me it, or we'd be out xmas shopping and I'd be looking at something, she'd say, you like it? I'd say yeah it's cute, she's say okay early bday present or I'll give it to you for xmas early, she always gone out of her way to show me that I was special, that I was somebody, we had a really tight relationship. I keep on thinking about last year on turkey day we had a blast at the farm, mom had so much fun, every time I'd look at her she was either smiling or laughing or making an odd face like she always has done. I'm attaching a video that I shot from turkey day last year, you'll see in the beginning, she's just bobbing her head lol that totally makes me laugh!!!

4 Months

Well, it's been four months already. The next few months are going to be pretty hard with the holidays and birthdays coming up. As far as me, I'm doing okay, doing much better than I was two months ago, the group therapy really helps a lot. The Center for Grief, Loss and Transition is a great place, I would recommend it to anyone who has lost a loved one or who is in the transition of loosing a loved one, I wish that I had known about this place earlier, I would have been going since the day mom was diagnosed. I feel really good about how I'm dealing with my grief and have been reassured by my therapist that I'm coming along quite well. I'm still missing mom which I will until I meet her again in heaven. Til then, I'll do all I can in this life to make her proud of me in the next.

Love you mom.

No Title

The group meeting went well. There were 2 of us who focus'd on the death rather than the living of the person. I will focus on her life when I can get the images of her death out of my mind. I still see her laying on the ground when it was my turn to take care of her, she fell off she bed on my watch. I remember thinking I over dosed her, being her primary care taker when it came to medication, it's natural to think that and it's harder for the care takers to deal with the death because you want to keep on taking care of the sick one, even if they are uncomfrotable, it's not easy letting go.

Memories

Last week at group we were given a handout to bring back to the next group. the hand out is about memories

The thing I miss the most is......her smile, talking to her and her voice
My happiest Memory is..... can't think of one
My saddest memory is.... when I had to stop the feeding tube, when she fell off the bed during my watch, when she soiled herself and I actually saw how thin she really was
The thing I don't miss is.....her suffering
The most Irritating memory is....Jerry
My sweetest memory is.....when she told me that Jerry didn't deserve the farm.
My last memory is....of her last 6 days of dying
My funniest memory is.....when we were all in her room and the lady next store asked us to be quiet, mom was prim and proper and apologized but when the lady left, she stuck her tounge out at her
My most comforting memory is.....when mom hugged me the day I had to put captain to sleep
What she meant to me............she meant the world to me, she was my mother, father and best friend

I'll let you know how group went later tonight.

Finally

I finally got approved for medical assistance and cash assistance. Didn't take too long, I'm still waiting on the SSI to be approved, shouldn't be too much longer.

Things are going okay, had a very intense group therapy session on Monday. One lady told us about the last 6 hours of her Dad's life, it was incredibley painfull. He was coughing up blood for 4 hours straight. I'm so glad that mom didn't have a violent death like that. I felt really sorry for her, she's only about 24 years old.

My Heart

In my parent loss group tonight, we had to draw a picture of what our heart looks like right now, I thought this was a little ironic since I was just in the hospital for heart problems.

Anyway, this picture is what I drew @ group. The Anger side, which shows half, has to do with Jerry, not with my grief at all, which saddens me because I do not want him to rent any space in my heart.

Lost: My heart feels lost because I'm not sure who I am with out my mother, I feel lost from my friends and family.

Bitter: My heart is with Jerry for not honoring my mothers wish's, this is also not part of my grief, he is renting space again in my heart.

Hurt: My haeart is heart because Jerry hasn't let us have any of mom's stuff, once again, Jerry renting space.

Sad: My heart is sad because my mom is gone and I feel like I have nobody to lean on with the exception of my group and my therapist, I'm sad because all my friends have gone away and our family seems to have broken apart.

Invisible: My heart is invisble because I feel invisible.

Lonely: My heart is incredibley lonely. I miss my mother, there is a huge void in my heart that will never be full again.

Basically, Jerry is getting in the way of my grief for my mother, I will no longer let him rent space in my heart because for one, he doesn't care about us kids or grandkids, so I'm renting that space out to myself, I'm going to try my hardest to get the anger out, that's what is most concerning for me. I can deal with the other stuff, the anger is the one that scares me.

I found out today that Jerry dropped off one single box at my Uncle Bob's for us kids and grandkids that had pictures of family in it. He then called my uncle bob and said, that's all the kids are going to get from me. Nice huh? Now you see why my heart feels like it does?